a 10minute, perfunctory attempt
...just to discharge my obligations.
And I woke up and dressed. Put on my Etro pinstripe shirt and Mcqueen hipster jeans. I knew I looked like a million bucks.
This feeling of uneasiness, perhaps queasiness came over me as I walked down Orchard Road. People were giving me weird looks. I wondered why. As I became more cognisant of my surroundings, I realised that… people were dressed in an extremely awkward way. Their faces were covered with ninja-like masks of every colour, shape and size. Only the eyes were visible. Jeans were forced onto the upper torso. The hands occupied the space where the leg was meant to fill (if memory serves me right), and the zipfly-waist area was pressed against the chest. As I continued looking around, tubetop-like garments were worn on the legs. No, not as a skirt, but covering only the knee down. Very curious indeed. I felt like I was living in a porn movie. Cunts and dicks were displayed. With different hairstyles, tattoos, piercings and the works.
This old lady gasped at me (or my outfit) and heaved a heavy sigh – “kids”.
“Take a look at yourself Mrs Wrinkled Pussy!”
I began to feel more troubled. People avoided making eye contact with me wherever I went. As if I was banished by ostracism. It’s okay. My friends would explain to me what the hell was going on.
I met the gang outside Far East. Shijia, Lewis, Jason, Chieh, Jack, Keef, Joe, Joyce, Hongy and Shiying. They too were exposing their… reproductive organs. I was shocked out of my fucking mind.
I quickly pulled my girlfriend aside and asked her what the hell did she think she was doing, whilst at the same time attempting to cover her…assets. She looked at me, bewildered. She touched my forehead.
“Fever, dear? What’s the matter? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SHOWING YOUR FACE IN PUBLIC?!”
I just ignored her. This was all too much to take in at one go.
I stared at jack. 8-inch monster my arse.
I stared at lewis and exclaimed “wow cowboy! Look who’s steamin’?”
They all thought something was seriously wrong with me. They reckoned I just hadn’t been myself today. Some water would make me feel better.
“Water? How bout beer ma good men?”
They looked at me with an expression of chagrin.
“I can’t believe you are saying that. Especially since you’ve always been the one who drank the most” said Shiying.
I decided to leave them. This buncha people were screwing around with my head. I headed down to Zouk. The bouncer cast me a scornful look and barred me from entering. I asked why.
“ ‘cause you are obviously over 10 dickhead”
Ok. I wanted to go in by hook or crook. There was something not quite right about this world. Perhaps Zouk would hold the answer. I snuck in –no I will not tell you how, or I wouldn’t be able to sneak in the next time I didn’t want to pay entrance- and looked around.
What I saw was beyond perplexing. Hardly anyone was above 150cm. And they were all kids! Drinkin beer and cocktails and stuff. They were dressed the same way as the people I had seen today, without exception. Without hair in those areas either. I saw this child down 20 tequila shots. And he was not one bit inebriated. And even in here, youngsters were giving me weird looks. All with their seedy lil eyes.
I needed help. I got out of that hellhole and drove. I was stopped by a police vehicle. The “policeman” who spoke to me was… a monkey! A fucking monkey. No more than a meter tall. Fuck.
He covered his eyes when he saw me, shrieking away in disgust.
“You are being arrested for a charge of indecent exposure”
“Yea, well fuck you hobo”
And I was subdued by a pack of wild shrieking monkeys and brought to a “designated location”. They covered my head with a hood. Monkeys are incredibly strong and agile for their size. It was a reservoir. And I was interrogated. I didn’t understand what the hell I did wrong. Another bigger monkey, an orang-utan perhaps, interrogated me. He told me if I dared to remove my hood I’d be thrown in jail indefinitely, without trial.
“I don’t speak to wrangers mate. At least I have never in my life. And I don’t intend to start now.”
And a man dressed smartly –or however smart one can be when exposing his penis to the world- walked into the scene. He showed his card to the wranger, who made the noise wrangers made when they were upset.
“Piyan, you have to be more covert. Public demonstrations of rebellion would not work and would only get you into trouble. I know you miss the good ol’ days. So do I. Where we could all bear our faces in public. Where the penis and vagina had some sanctity attached to them. Where beer actually inebriated and Zouk was still available to us. But until we overthrow the whims of governments and their process of modernisation, those days are simply destined to be written in the history books.”
And I woke up and dressed. Put on my Etro pinstripe shirt and Mcqueen hipster jeans. I knew I looked like a million bucks.
This feeling of uneasiness, perhaps queasiness came over me as I walked down Orchard Road. People were giving me weird looks. I wondered why. As I became more cognisant of my surroundings, I realised that… people were dressed in an extremely awkward way. Their faces were covered with ninja-like masks of every colour, shape and size. Only the eyes were visible. Jeans were forced onto the upper torso. The hands occupied the space where the leg was meant to fill (if memory serves me right), and the zipfly-waist area was pressed against the chest. As I continued looking around, tubetop-like garments were worn on the legs. No, not as a skirt, but covering only the knee down. Very curious indeed. I felt like I was living in a porn movie. Cunts and dicks were displayed. With different hairstyles, tattoos, piercings and the works.
This old lady gasped at me (or my outfit) and heaved a heavy sigh – “kids”.
“Take a look at yourself Mrs Wrinkled Pussy!”
I began to feel more troubled. People avoided making eye contact with me wherever I went. As if I was banished by ostracism. It’s okay. My friends would explain to me what the hell was going on.
I met the gang outside Far East. Shijia, Lewis, Jason, Chieh, Jack, Keef, Joe, Joyce, Hongy and Shiying. They too were exposing their… reproductive organs. I was shocked out of my fucking mind.
I quickly pulled my girlfriend aside and asked her what the hell did she think she was doing, whilst at the same time attempting to cover her…assets. She looked at me, bewildered. She touched my forehead.
“Fever, dear? What’s the matter? WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SHOWING YOUR FACE IN PUBLIC?!”
I just ignored her. This was all too much to take in at one go.
I stared at jack. 8-inch monster my arse.
I stared at lewis and exclaimed “wow cowboy! Look who’s steamin’?”
They all thought something was seriously wrong with me. They reckoned I just hadn’t been myself today. Some water would make me feel better.
“Water? How bout beer ma good men?”
They looked at me with an expression of chagrin.
“I can’t believe you are saying that. Especially since you’ve always been the one who drank the most” said Shiying.
I decided to leave them. This buncha people were screwing around with my head. I headed down to Zouk. The bouncer cast me a scornful look and barred me from entering. I asked why.
“ ‘cause you are obviously over 10 dickhead”
Ok. I wanted to go in by hook or crook. There was something not quite right about this world. Perhaps Zouk would hold the answer. I snuck in –no I will not tell you how, or I wouldn’t be able to sneak in the next time I didn’t want to pay entrance- and looked around.
What I saw was beyond perplexing. Hardly anyone was above 150cm. And they were all kids! Drinkin beer and cocktails and stuff. They were dressed the same way as the people I had seen today, without exception. Without hair in those areas either. I saw this child down 20 tequila shots. And he was not one bit inebriated. And even in here, youngsters were giving me weird looks. All with their seedy lil eyes.
I needed help. I got out of that hellhole and drove. I was stopped by a police vehicle. The “policeman” who spoke to me was… a monkey! A fucking monkey. No more than a meter tall. Fuck.
He covered his eyes when he saw me, shrieking away in disgust.
“You are being arrested for a charge of indecent exposure”
“Yea, well fuck you hobo”
And I was subdued by a pack of wild shrieking monkeys and brought to a “designated location”. They covered my head with a hood. Monkeys are incredibly strong and agile for their size. It was a reservoir. And I was interrogated. I didn’t understand what the hell I did wrong. Another bigger monkey, an orang-utan perhaps, interrogated me. He told me if I dared to remove my hood I’d be thrown in jail indefinitely, without trial.
“I don’t speak to wrangers mate. At least I have never in my life. And I don’t intend to start now.”
And a man dressed smartly –or however smart one can be when exposing his penis to the world- walked into the scene. He showed his card to the wranger, who made the noise wrangers made when they were upset.
“Piyan, you have to be more covert. Public demonstrations of rebellion would not work and would only get you into trouble. I know you miss the good ol’ days. So do I. Where we could all bear our faces in public. Where the penis and vagina had some sanctity attached to them. Where beer actually inebriated and Zouk was still available to us. But until we overthrow the whims of governments and their process of modernisation, those days are simply destined to be written in the history books.”
